I was having such a hard time. Once it became July, I had some sort of breakdown. THANK GOODNESS, though, it was short lived. Which shows I'm not truly in as bad a mindset as I was a year ago. It was close though.

So I've been wanting a boyfriend, companionship, sooo bad. My goal was to start Okcupid. Like ohhhh goddd, something I was always so against. But S has had luck with it, so I wanted to give it a try. (I'm really confused right now, did I already mention okcupid before??? I don't feel like opening a new tab and checking.) And I just feel so confident, the whole of 2015 really, and I just want a guy to share it with. I am so different from how I was in all my past relationships. The point of what I'm trying to say is straying, this is about my mini breakdown.

SO, okcupid, I made my account on the 1st. Then the next day I just had this downward spiral. I knew what to expect with online dating. I mentally prepared myself. I KNOW I'm not finding my soulmate, and I know a lot of guys are shit and I would have to sort through a lot to find someone decent on there. For some reason, I just got so sad. I also got extremely overwhelmed by all the messages. It felt so impersonal, and you know everyone is thirsty af and talking to multiple people. But once I was finally there and doing it, I couldn't handle it. I felt so forced. No one matched up with my standards, and then I felt like I wasn't good enough for some of the guys on there (mainly because they had legit jobs are were better at being an adult than me.)

I knew I wasn't going to get lucky with the first people messaging me. I tried to overlook my discomfort and hold on for at least a month. I got progressively more bummed out. At that point, I figured it was because I had fantasized so much about how my life would be by now, and reality was different. There was one guy I was talking to. I'd only reply like once or twice a day, and the only thing we talked about was college. But he was pretty cool, however I had no attraction towards him. I was hoping by continuing to talk and learn more about him that it would develop. A few days in he asked me out for coffee, and I panicked, lol. TOO SOON. I'm such a slow person. I could have EASILY told him that I was new to this and didn't feel comfortable meeting him so soon. But I never replied because I was feeling so unhappy and overwhelmed. I was forcing myself to get in a relationship and talk to all these guys and put myself out there in the lion's den.

My breakdown occurred on the 4th of July. I knew I needed a good cry and it was looming on the horizon for a week by then, for 2 nights in a row I got drunk and wanted to be so I could feel better and more careless. After watching the annual fireworks, I went home and diiiieeeeddd. I was sad that I've been lonely, I was sad that all those guys were strange, and I was so sad about Billy. S put it in perspective later on why I had sudden Billy feels after such a long time of not feeling them. I was craving such comfort and familiarity that a significant other brings, that it made me think of Billy. I had such bittersweet, heart aching memories of him. I miss that comfort. He has a new gf now (which, btw, downgrade) but it still has a slight pang to know that I'm currently alone and he is not. He left his shirt here when he stayed the night last July, it still smells of him, and I just held it and wept. Such a low point, lol.

But I guess I needed it. I woke up the next morning feeling fine. I was so relieved, I was so fearful that I would go through another long depressive spell. Yesterday I disabled my okcupid account, and I feel so good. Maybe online dating isn't for me, yet? Because I'm still open to it, but I might not be strong enough yet. It consumed me. I'm in a more matured mind set, and I'm really glad that I've achieved it. I'm going to focus on myself. So much when I think about happiness and the future, I see a guy with me. It doesn't have to be like that. Yes, I see that in my future, but that shouldn't be the sole focus. I need to work, I need to figure out what I'm doing in college, I need to get a car and move out, and I don't need a guy by my side to make these goals achievable. This person should fall in place. Being an independent woman with her own possessions and working toward her goals will attract better men, anyway. Because my standards for men are fucking high or something and I'm not settling.


Ugh, part 2 of my update. I'm just sexually frustrated along with wanting a significant other. How do people even have casual sex? I don't have fuck buddies. Shitlord Harrison almost happened again. He broke up with his gf and called me like the pathetic shit he is and in my head I was like "haha, I'll use you for sex until I can find better." But then his freshly highschool graduate ex-gf messaged me this long nonsensical crap about me getting in their way and that I was trash(???) and that she better not ever see me in public. So I EXPLODED on Harrison via message because he wouldn't answer his phone. Then I blocked them both (not before I denounced that bitch in such superior fashion.) Therefore, those plans went down the drain. Which part of me is like "good! don't take 500 steps backwards and fuck with Harrison" and then another part of me is like "I want dick." I can't go to clubs, I can but I can't drink and that's no fun, and I know meeting people at clubs is a popular method. I'm in a rut. It makes me feel abnormal not to get any action for so long. I don't put myself out there, so I guess I'm not too horrifically desperate.

What an explicit update!!! Wooooohooo for my relationship probs! Blogspot better never go down, this is my online public journal and has been since 2006 (recently looked at all my previous blogs and screamed.) I don't care who reads this, no one I know reads it and my friends know my problems to begin with. Maybe people can relate or are just bored, whatever. I see Fall Out Boy in 9 days.