Ughhhhhhhh. I woke up feeling shitty. Same old, same old.
The Fall Out Boy concert was fun. But Samantha lost her keys before FOB even came out so that dampened the mood. Wiz Khalifa almost ran into me, and Patrick was an angel as usual. (petewasstupidasusual)
I'm in such limbo, adult-wise(?) I don't know what I'm doing, and I can't make myself be productive even though I really want to be. I can't put forth the actions to be so. I keep making excuses. I really am tired and I want change. And it must be so annoying for my friends to hear this all the time. Every month I'm like "shitshitshitshit i need to grow up. omg anxiety. im so sad. shitshitshit."
And I'm so bored all the time. I want to go out but no one else does.
July 09, 2015
I was having such a hard time. Once it became July, I had some sort of breakdown. THANK GOODNESS, though, it was short lived. Which shows I'm not truly in as bad a mindset as I was a year ago. It was close though.
So I've been wanting a boyfriend, companionship, sooo bad. My goal was to start Okcupid. Like ohhhh goddd, something I was always so against. But S has had luck with it, so I wanted to give it a try. (I'm really confused right now, did I already mention okcupid before??? I don't feel like opening a new tab and checking.) And I just feel so confident, the whole of 2015 really, and I just want a guy to share it with. I am so different from how I was in all my past relationships. The point of what I'm trying to say is straying, this is about my mini breakdown.
SO, okcupid, I made my account on the 1st. Then the next day I just had this downward spiral. I knew what to expect with online dating. I mentally prepared myself. I KNOW I'm not finding my soulmate, and I know a lot of guys are shit and I would have to sort through a lot to find someone decent on there. For some reason, I just got so sad. I also got extremely overwhelmed by all the messages. It felt so impersonal, and you know everyone is thirsty af and talking to multiple people. But once I was finally there and doing it, I couldn't handle it. I felt so forced. No one matched up with my standards, and then I felt like I wasn't good enough for some of the guys on there (mainly because they had legit jobs are were better at being an adult than me.)
I knew I wasn't going to get lucky with the first people messaging me. I tried to overlook my discomfort and hold on for at least a month. I got progressively more bummed out. At that point, I figured it was because I had fantasized so much about how my life would be by now, and reality was different. There was one guy I was talking to. I'd only reply like once or twice a day, and the only thing we talked about was college. But he was pretty cool, however I had no attraction towards him. I was hoping by continuing to talk and learn more about him that it would develop. A few days in he asked me out for coffee, and I panicked, lol. TOO SOON. I'm such a slow person. I could have EASILY told him that I was new to this and didn't feel comfortable meeting him so soon. But I never replied because I was feeling so unhappy and overwhelmed. I was forcing myself to get in a relationship and talk to all these guys and put myself out there in the lion's den.
My breakdown occurred on the 4th of July. I knew I needed a good cry and it was looming on the horizon for a week by then, for 2 nights in a row I got drunk and wanted to be so I could feel better and more careless. After watching the annual fireworks, I went home and diiiieeeeddd. I was sad that I've been lonely, I was sad that all those guys were strange, and I was so sad about Billy. S put it in perspective later on why I had sudden Billy feels after such a long time of not feeling them. I was craving such comfort and familiarity that a significant other brings, that it made me think of Billy. I had such bittersweet, heart aching memories of him. I miss that comfort. He has a new gf now (which, btw, downgrade) but it still has a slight pang to know that I'm currently alone and he is not. He left his shirt here when he stayed the night last July, it still smells of him, and I just held it and wept. Such a low point, lol.
But I guess I needed it. I woke up the next morning feeling fine. I was so relieved, I was so fearful that I would go through another long depressive spell. Yesterday I disabled my okcupid account, and I feel so good. Maybe online dating isn't for me, yet? Because I'm still open to it, but I might not be strong enough yet. It consumed me. I'm in a more matured mind set, and I'm really glad that I've achieved it. I'm going to focus on myself. So much when I think about happiness and the future, I see a guy with me. It doesn't have to be like that. Yes, I see that in my future, but that shouldn't be the sole focus. I need to work, I need to figure out what I'm doing in college, I need to get a car and move out, and I don't need a guy by my side to make these goals achievable. This person should fall in place. Being an independent woman with her own possessions and working toward her goals will attract better men, anyway. Because my standards for men are fucking high or something and I'm not settling.
Ugh, part 2 of my update. I'm just sexually frustrated along with wanting a significant other. How do people even have casual sex? I don't have fuck buddies. Shitlord Harrison almost happened again. He broke up with his gf and called me like the pathetic shit he is and in my head I was like "haha, I'll use you for sex until I can find better." But then his freshly highschool graduate ex-gf messaged me this long nonsensical crap about me getting in their way and that I was trash(???) and that she better not ever see me in public. So I EXPLODED on Harrison via message because he wouldn't answer his phone. Then I blocked them both (not before I denounced that bitch in such superior fashion.) Therefore, those plans went down the drain. Which part of me is like "good! don't take 500 steps backwards and fuck with Harrison" and then another part of me is like "I want dick." I can't go to clubs, I can but I can't drink and that's no fun, and I know meeting people at clubs is a popular method. I'm in a rut. It makes me feel abnormal not to get any action for so long. I don't put myself out there, so I guess I'm not too horrifically desperate.
What an explicit update!!! Wooooohooo for my relationship probs! Blogspot better never go down, this is my online public journal and has been since 2006 (recently looked at all my previous blogs and screamed.) I don't care who reads this, no one I know reads it and my friends know my problems to begin with. Maybe people can relate or are just bored, whatever. I see Fall Out Boy in 9 days.
So I've been wanting a boyfriend, companionship, sooo bad. My goal was to start Okcupid. Like ohhhh goddd, something I was always so against. But S has had luck with it, so I wanted to give it a try. (I'm really confused right now, did I already mention okcupid before??? I don't feel like opening a new tab and checking.) And I just feel so confident, the whole of 2015 really, and I just want a guy to share it with. I am so different from how I was in all my past relationships. The point of what I'm trying to say is straying, this is about my mini breakdown.
SO, okcupid, I made my account on the 1st. Then the next day I just had this downward spiral. I knew what to expect with online dating. I mentally prepared myself. I KNOW I'm not finding my soulmate, and I know a lot of guys are shit and I would have to sort through a lot to find someone decent on there. For some reason, I just got so sad. I also got extremely overwhelmed by all the messages. It felt so impersonal, and you know everyone is thirsty af and talking to multiple people. But once I was finally there and doing it, I couldn't handle it. I felt so forced. No one matched up with my standards, and then I felt like I wasn't good enough for some of the guys on there (mainly because they had legit jobs are were better at being an adult than me.)
I knew I wasn't going to get lucky with the first people messaging me. I tried to overlook my discomfort and hold on for at least a month. I got progressively more bummed out. At that point, I figured it was because I had fantasized so much about how my life would be by now, and reality was different. There was one guy I was talking to. I'd only reply like once or twice a day, and the only thing we talked about was college. But he was pretty cool, however I had no attraction towards him. I was hoping by continuing to talk and learn more about him that it would develop. A few days in he asked me out for coffee, and I panicked, lol. TOO SOON. I'm such a slow person. I could have EASILY told him that I was new to this and didn't feel comfortable meeting him so soon. But I never replied because I was feeling so unhappy and overwhelmed. I was forcing myself to get in a relationship and talk to all these guys and put myself out there in the lion's den.
My breakdown occurred on the 4th of July. I knew I needed a good cry and it was looming on the horizon for a week by then, for 2 nights in a row I got drunk and wanted to be so I could feel better and more careless. After watching the annual fireworks, I went home and diiiieeeeddd. I was sad that I've been lonely, I was sad that all those guys were strange, and I was so sad about Billy. S put it in perspective later on why I had sudden Billy feels after such a long time of not feeling them. I was craving such comfort and familiarity that a significant other brings, that it made me think of Billy. I had such bittersweet, heart aching memories of him. I miss that comfort. He has a new gf now (which, btw, downgrade) but it still has a slight pang to know that I'm currently alone and he is not. He left his shirt here when he stayed the night last July, it still smells of him, and I just held it and wept. Such a low point, lol.
But I guess I needed it. I woke up the next morning feeling fine. I was so relieved, I was so fearful that I would go through another long depressive spell. Yesterday I disabled my okcupid account, and I feel so good. Maybe online dating isn't for me, yet? Because I'm still open to it, but I might not be strong enough yet. It consumed me. I'm in a more matured mind set, and I'm really glad that I've achieved it. I'm going to focus on myself. So much when I think about happiness and the future, I see a guy with me. It doesn't have to be like that. Yes, I see that in my future, but that shouldn't be the sole focus. I need to work, I need to figure out what I'm doing in college, I need to get a car and move out, and I don't need a guy by my side to make these goals achievable. This person should fall in place. Being an independent woman with her own possessions and working toward her goals will attract better men, anyway. Because my standards for men are fucking high or something and I'm not settling.
Ugh, part 2 of my update. I'm just sexually frustrated along with wanting a significant other. How do people even have casual sex? I don't have fuck buddies. Shitlord Harrison almost happened again. He broke up with his gf and called me like the pathetic shit he is and in my head I was like "haha, I'll use you for sex until I can find better." But then his freshly highschool graduate ex-gf messaged me this long nonsensical crap about me getting in their way and that I was trash(???) and that she better not ever see me in public. So I EXPLODED on Harrison via message because he wouldn't answer his phone. Then I blocked them both (not before I denounced that bitch in such superior fashion.) Therefore, those plans went down the drain. Which part of me is like "good! don't take 500 steps backwards and fuck with Harrison" and then another part of me is like "I want dick." I can't go to clubs, I can but I can't drink and that's no fun, and I know meeting people at clubs is a popular method. I'm in a rut. It makes me feel abnormal not to get any action for so long. I don't put myself out there, so I guess I'm not too horrifically desperate.
What an explicit update!!! Wooooohooo for my relationship probs! Blogspot better never go down, this is my online public journal and has been since 2006 (recently looked at all my previous blogs and screamed.) I don't care who reads this, no one I know reads it and my friends know my problems to begin with. Maybe people can relate or are just bored, whatever. I see Fall Out Boy in 9 days.
June 10, 2015
Ugh I'm on mobile typing this so there may be stupid autocorrects.
Let's see.. I got my license today!! It's surreal, I feel like I still don't have it. I don't know what my picture looks like yet, but I could sense it was pretty ugly lol. I probably looked like a nervous turtle with messed up bangs because it was hottttt.
I failed the driving test the first time 2 weeks ago. It was awful lol. I was SO nervous. I was fucking up everything during the pretest. The woman was stern and never cracked a smile. Then when we were pulling out of the dmv, I went right when she said to go left. She was like "YOU RUINED THE ROUTE. YOU ARE NOT FOLLOWING MY DIRECTIONS. YOU DIDNT LOOK BOTH WAYS." And I pulled back into the dmv within 3 minutes.
But I had a different instructor today and she was nicer. I was still nervous, and I remember my foot trembling on the pedal. But it's done and I'm so happy.
Next I need a job. I also can start okcupid now. Wahahaha.
Let's see.. I got my license today!! It's surreal, I feel like I still don't have it. I don't know what my picture looks like yet, but I could sense it was pretty ugly lol. I probably looked like a nervous turtle with messed up bangs because it was hottttt.
I failed the driving test the first time 2 weeks ago. It was awful lol. I was SO nervous. I was fucking up everything during the pretest. The woman was stern and never cracked a smile. Then when we were pulling out of the dmv, I went right when she said to go left. She was like "YOU RUINED THE ROUTE. YOU ARE NOT FOLLOWING MY DIRECTIONS. YOU DIDNT LOOK BOTH WAYS." And I pulled back into the dmv within 3 minutes.
But I had a different instructor today and she was nicer. I was still nervous, and I remember my foot trembling on the pedal. But it's done and I'm so happy.
Next I need a job. I also can start okcupid now. Wahahaha.
May 23, 2015
I'm only posting this as kind of a draft for a possible facebook status. I am sooo upset. This dumbass girl shared a link (http://www.westernjournalism.com/a-christian-defense-of-josh-duggar/) of basically gibberish. From what I deciphered amongst something about Lena Dunham (which I am equally appalled by) and some percent signs thrown around and pulling out the old "u hate me because im a conservative christian" card, it's apparently normal to molest your sisters and all teens do it? So pray for Josh. Because he learned his lesson. And his victims are invalid. Thanks jesus.
I don't care what religion or lack of you have, what color your skin is, or your gender, this action is gross and wrong and should never -ever- be justified.
---
I've always felt guilty for watching the Duggars. I started watching their show when I was really young, so it remained a habit to keep up with them even though I was fully aware of how problematic and ignorant they are. After what has happened recently, I will no longer watch their show or reruns (if it airs again.)
I'm really making this status because I am appalled and livid over people defending Josh's actions. What he did was absolutely disgusting. No excuses. At 14 years old, you are fully aware of whether something like that is right or wrong. That is not normal behavior, even though I read a ludicrous article that said it is. Are you trying to tell me it's ok to touch someone inappropriately without their consent? He chose to do that to 5 girls, 4 of which was his sisters, even on occasions while they slept. Disgusting. And disgusting people are defending him.
This is not about people attacking the Duggar family because of their religious and conservative views. People are outraged because Josh Duggar molested 5 girls. I don't give a crap if his victims "forgave" him, I know sure as hell they never forgot about that. That psychologically screws you up, and praying to God does not erase the psychological wound. Their forgiveness does NOT justify his actions. And their parents didn't seek out the right repercussions for what he did. Josh had to go build a house for 4 months while being mentored by a church elder??? What????? Well shit, that'll teach him! Let's not forget the policeman that gave him a "stern talking to" has been convicted of child porn and is serving 50+ years in prison.
How? Can? People? Defend? This? BS? It really makes me doubt that his victims received proper counseling. And that is so heartbreaking. Don't even get me started on his girlfriend (now wife) still agreeing to date him after finding out what he did. I would be out of Arkansas faster than him saying "green bean casserole."
TL;DW: Do not defend or support Josh Duggar or his parents, obviously.
I don't care what religion or lack of you have, what color your skin is, or your gender, this action is gross and wrong and should never -ever- be justified.
---
I've always felt guilty for watching the Duggars. I started watching their show when I was really young, so it remained a habit to keep up with them even though I was fully aware of how problematic and ignorant they are. After what has happened recently, I will no longer watch their show or reruns (if it airs again.)
I'm really making this status because I am appalled and livid over people defending Josh's actions. What he did was absolutely disgusting. No excuses. At 14 years old, you are fully aware of whether something like that is right or wrong. That is not normal behavior, even though I read a ludicrous article that said it is. Are you trying to tell me it's ok to touch someone inappropriately without their consent? He chose to do that to 5 girls, 4 of which was his sisters, even on occasions while they slept. Disgusting. And disgusting people are defending him.
This is not about people attacking the Duggar family because of their religious and conservative views. People are outraged because Josh Duggar molested 5 girls. I don't give a crap if his victims "forgave" him, I know sure as hell they never forgot about that. That psychologically screws you up, and praying to God does not erase the psychological wound. Their forgiveness does NOT justify his actions. And their parents didn't seek out the right repercussions for what he did. Josh had to go build a house for 4 months while being mentored by a church elder??? What????? Well shit, that'll teach him! Let's not forget the policeman that gave him a "stern talking to" has been convicted of child porn and is serving 50+ years in prison.
How? Can? People? Defend? This? BS? It really makes me doubt that his victims received proper counseling. And that is so heartbreaking. Don't even get me started on his girlfriend (now wife) still agreeing to date him after finding out what he did. I would be out of Arkansas faster than him saying "green bean casserole."
TL;DW: Do not defend or support Josh Duggar or his parents, obviously.
April 10, 2015
I went to the dentist the other day and due to my acid reflux, I have my FIRST cavities. 4, all on my front teeth. I can't even afford to fill them all at once, but I'm hoping I can do 2 of them. That's on May 5th. I'm so upset and scared lol.
I got the new Sims 4 expansion pack. It's cool. I'm bored though, god. I officially got tickets to the fall out boy concert in july. wooooo!
And ohhh my,I finally found some flawless foundation. It's that Fit Me matte & poreless.
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