I SWEAR I've updated since November??? At least I have in my paper journal.

Trigger warning...
Like, things aren't really different, yet they kind of are, but mentally and emotionally. I think I'm generally happier now and more positive. More close to how I use to feel prior to 2014. In December I had this huge breakdown, and that's usually what it takes for me to snap back to normal. But this was a mega meltdown, like I didn't even know how to go on. So I think due to it's magnitude, I'm better for the long run now. I've been diagnosed with depression since 2011. 2011 is very comparable to 2014 with the amount of shit I had to go through emotionally. But the self-harm wasn't as bad as 2011, except during said December breakdown. With that said, I'm really scared that something is going to knock me off balance and make me spiral down again. I've been feeling good for a month now. I do NOT want to feel bad again. I think the fact that 2014 is over is really helpful too. I have such hope for this year. On New Years I took a shot, so things started off nicely lol. New Year's was a really nice time.

Billy still initiates conversations with me, the past two times in a row. It's really 'wtf'. I think he does it to brag? Because clearly it's not to get together. The first time he was talking about how he saw me and he was driving some kind of specific car, but I know not one shit about cars so good try at making me envious. The second time he was talking about how he was going to move away and that he's never felt more right about anything in his entire life. Subtle jab at me, I feel like. Because I wasn't the "rightest" decision he made. But that's ok. I played it cool and kept my words short.

OH. Fucking shit sick, ok, so last month someone vandalized our car and broke out the back window completely. Such bullshit. It's still not fixed because my mom can't afford to do it. So we've got this opaque plastic crap in place of a window. I can't see through it, that's dangerous, therefore I cannot practice driving. Are you kidding me? Will I ever get this license??? Yes I will. But I'm impatient and I want to go forth with me life. I really need to get a job too. That stresses me out because I really need to take that step. Now. Maybe it's procrastination, but I want to have my license before a job. It eats away at me. But it's only 14 days into the year.
I also want my license before I date again. I'm going to give okcupid a try, since S met her boyfriend on there and he's not a total insane creep that you would except to find on dating websites. So that's hopeful. I really hope I luck out. I really don't expect to find my soulmate the first try, but someone at least long-term would be cool. Speaking of soulmates, B got engaged to her bf of a few months and I'm really confused (not really) but still...

Ugh, I get nervous saying everyone's names on here, in case someone found this blog. I'm more secretive than I use to be though. Maybe I should just do first initials. I don't really talk shit though. Everyone talks shit.
Lol, I went back and did that to my friend's names, but they're still in other posts. Whatev.

Oh, and I took this semester off college. Best decision. lol. I have no clue what I'm doing.