I got a job at a deli, it's cool. I don't start until next week, but I need money so bad right now. My car insurance is running out. I need money so bad. I have nothing.  My aunt disowned me for no reason and shes dragging my name through the dirt. My rich great aunt hasnt said anything to me, and I hope she isnt mad. I need her help so much.
To top things off, my car is screwed up. It wont even start. It's probably going to be 700 to fix it. I hate things so much. How can life shit on me so much. I'm stuck in my house all day. My ex has been staying the night here. We havent done anything. But its nice to have someone here. No news on my lawsuit yet, I dont know if theres a case yet. But my lawyer has the medical records now.

I am so stressed. To do this all on my own essentially. I'm only 20. I need my car so bad. I worked so hard to get my license. Now I have to pay tons of money to fix it, just like I had to pay tons of money to get my license from my fines from high school. Maybe I can get a gofundme set up, because jesus fucking christ, if anyone needs some help right now...

My mom died on the 6th.

What. The. Fuck. It still hasn't sunk in. I'm still in shock. I'm numb. And I fear for when the grieving hits full swing. I'm so stressed, but I try to stay positive and hopeful.

She went to our shitty community hospital on August 30th with pancreatitis. Then they found her unresponsive and foaming at the mouth on September 1st. Our theory is, and we've got a lawyer, that they gave her too much morphine/painkillers, and combine that with her sleep apnea...

I will sue them for doing this and make sure everyone loses their job. It's such a long process. We are still waiting for the medical examiner to sign her cremation form/death certificate. I NEED the death certificate in order to get her medical records to give to the lawyer. I'm scared they will try to cover up their mistakes, which they will try, I just want to prove they caused this because I know they did. She stopped breathing... hello. Under the hospital's supervision. Why didn't they get to her quick enough? Are you kidding me? Pancreatitis didn't kill her. I've just got so much shit to fucking do. I have no time to grieve. I don't do the things I use to do for fun. I play no video games. I don't listen to my favorite music. I'll feel happy but then I realize what is happening in my life and it diminishes. Nothing feels good.

The only thing that will help me is getting justice and the potential shitload of money, obviously. She would be able to fully rest in peace knowing that they paid for what they did and that I'm taken care of. I would buy myself a car, get all my medical needs taken care of, and possibly move out of this town and roommate with my friend somewhere else. The rest would go into my savings for emergencies, and just to sustain me through out life. I would be able to go back to school, too. I was already planning on doing that fall of next year.

I am going to get a job once I get her memorial stuff done with. I hate arranging that. I have no idea what to do or what's appropriate.

I'm bored so I'm posting pics of a sims 2 house I built. Which I rarely build. It's small and colorful and crisp.

I couldn't figure out how to get the ceilings to work?? I know you can have ceilings in sims 2. I even put down the tiles. God idek anymore.

Ughhhhhhhh. I woke up feeling shitty. Same old, same old.

The Fall Out Boy concert was fun. But Samantha lost her keys before FOB even came out so that dampened the mood. Wiz Khalifa almost ran into me, and Patrick was an angel as usual. (petewasstupidasusual)

I'm in such limbo, adult-wise(?) I don't know what I'm doing, and I can't make myself be productive even though I really want to be. I can't put forth the actions to be so. I keep making excuses. I really am tired and I want change. And it must be so annoying for my friends to hear this all the time. Every month I'm like "shitshitshitshit i need to grow up. omg anxiety. im so sad. shitshitshit."

And I'm so bored all the time. I want to go out but no one else does.

I was having such a hard time. Once it became July, I had some sort of breakdown. THANK GOODNESS, though, it was short lived. Which shows I'm not truly in as bad a mindset as I was a year ago. It was close though.

So I've been wanting a boyfriend, companionship, sooo bad. My goal was to start Okcupid. Like ohhhh goddd, something I was always so against. But S has had luck with it, so I wanted to give it a try. (I'm really confused right now, did I already mention okcupid before??? I don't feel like opening a new tab and checking.) And I just feel so confident, the whole of 2015 really, and I just want a guy to share it with. I am so different from how I was in all my past relationships. The point of what I'm trying to say is straying, this is about my mini breakdown.

SO, okcupid, I made my account on the 1st. Then the next day I just had this downward spiral. I knew what to expect with online dating. I mentally prepared myself. I KNOW I'm not finding my soulmate, and I know a lot of guys are shit and I would have to sort through a lot to find someone decent on there. For some reason, I just got so sad. I also got extremely overwhelmed by all the messages. It felt so impersonal, and you know everyone is thirsty af and talking to multiple people. But once I was finally there and doing it, I couldn't handle it. I felt so forced. No one matched up with my standards, and then I felt like I wasn't good enough for some of the guys on there (mainly because they had legit jobs are were better at being an adult than me.)

I knew I wasn't going to get lucky with the first people messaging me. I tried to overlook my discomfort and hold on for at least a month. I got progressively more bummed out. At that point, I figured it was because I had fantasized so much about how my life would be by now, and reality was different. There was one guy I was talking to. I'd only reply like once or twice a day, and the only thing we talked about was college. But he was pretty cool, however I had no attraction towards him. I was hoping by continuing to talk and learn more about him that it would develop. A few days in he asked me out for coffee, and I panicked, lol. TOO SOON. I'm such a slow person. I could have EASILY told him that I was new to this and didn't feel comfortable meeting him so soon. But I never replied because I was feeling so unhappy and overwhelmed. I was forcing myself to get in a relationship and talk to all these guys and put myself out there in the lion's den.

My breakdown occurred on the 4th of July. I knew I needed a good cry and it was looming on the horizon for a week by then, for 2 nights in a row I got drunk and wanted to be so I could feel better and more careless. After watching the annual fireworks, I went home and diiiieeeeddd. I was sad that I've been lonely, I was sad that all those guys were strange, and I was so sad about Billy. S put it in perspective later on why I had sudden Billy feels after such a long time of not feeling them. I was craving such comfort and familiarity that a significant other brings, that it made me think of Billy. I had such bittersweet, heart aching memories of him. I miss that comfort. He has a new gf now (which, btw, downgrade) but it still has a slight pang to know that I'm currently alone and he is not. He left his shirt here when he stayed the night last July, it still smells of him, and I just held it and wept. Such a low point, lol.

But I guess I needed it. I woke up the next morning feeling fine. I was so relieved, I was so fearful that I would go through another long depressive spell. Yesterday I disabled my okcupid account, and I feel so good. Maybe online dating isn't for me, yet? Because I'm still open to it, but I might not be strong enough yet. It consumed me. I'm in a more matured mind set, and I'm really glad that I've achieved it. I'm going to focus on myself. So much when I think about happiness and the future, I see a guy with me. It doesn't have to be like that. Yes, I see that in my future, but that shouldn't be the sole focus. I need to work, I need to figure out what I'm doing in college, I need to get a car and move out, and I don't need a guy by my side to make these goals achievable. This person should fall in place. Being an independent woman with her own possessions and working toward her goals will attract better men, anyway. Because my standards for men are fucking high or something and I'm not settling.


Ugh, part 2 of my update. I'm just sexually frustrated along with wanting a significant other. How do people even have casual sex? I don't have fuck buddies. Shitlord Harrison almost happened again. He broke up with his gf and called me like the pathetic shit he is and in my head I was like "haha, I'll use you for sex until I can find better." But then his freshly highschool graduate ex-gf messaged me this long nonsensical crap about me getting in their way and that I was trash(???) and that she better not ever see me in public. So I EXPLODED on Harrison via message because he wouldn't answer his phone. Then I blocked them both (not before I denounced that bitch in such superior fashion.) Therefore, those plans went down the drain. Which part of me is like "good! don't take 500 steps backwards and fuck with Harrison" and then another part of me is like "I want dick." I can't go to clubs, I can but I can't drink and that's no fun, and I know meeting people at clubs is a popular method. I'm in a rut. It makes me feel abnormal not to get any action for so long. I don't put myself out there, so I guess I'm not too horrifically desperate.

What an explicit update!!! Wooooohooo for my relationship probs! Blogspot better never go down, this is my online public journal and has been since 2006 (recently looked at all my previous blogs and screamed.) I don't care who reads this, no one I know reads it and my friends know my problems to begin with. Maybe people can relate or are just bored, whatever. I see Fall Out Boy in 9 days.

Ugh I'm on mobile typing this so there may be stupid autocorrects.

Let's see.. I got my license today!! It's surreal, I feel like I still don't have it. I don't know what my picture looks like yet, but I could sense it was pretty ugly lol. I probably looked like a nervous turtle with messed up bangs because it was hottttt.
I failed the driving test the first time 2 weeks ago. It was awful lol. I was SO nervous. I was fucking up everything during the pretest. The woman was stern and never cracked a smile. Then when we were pulling out of the dmv, I went right when she said to go left. She was like "YOU RUINED THE ROUTE. YOU ARE NOT FOLLOWING MY DIRECTIONS. YOU DIDNT LOOK BOTH WAYS." And I pulled back into the dmv within 3 minutes.
But I had a different instructor today and she was nicer. I was still nervous, and I remember my foot trembling on the pedal. But it's done and I'm so happy.

Next I need a job. I also can start okcupid now. Wahahaha.

I'm only posting this as kind of a draft for a possible facebook status. I am sooo upset. This dumbass girl shared a link (http://www.westernjournalism.com/a-christian-defense-of-josh-duggar/) of basically gibberish. From what I deciphered amongst something about Lena Dunham (which I am equally appalled by) and some percent signs thrown around and pulling out the old "u hate me because im a conservative christian" card, it's apparently normal to molest your sisters and all teens do it? So pray for Josh. Because he learned his lesson. And his victims are invalid. Thanks jesus.
I don't care what religion or lack of you have, what color your skin is, or your gender, this action is gross and wrong and should never -ever- be justified.

---

I've always felt guilty for watching the Duggars. I started watching their show when I was really young, so it remained a habit to keep up with them even though I was fully aware of how problematic and ignorant they are. After what has happened recently, I will no longer watch their show or reruns (if it airs again.)
I'm really making this status because I am appalled and livid over people defending Josh's actions. What he did was absolutely disgusting. No excuses. At 14 years old, you are fully aware of whether something like that is right or wrong. That is not normal behavior, even though I read a ludicrous article that said it is. Are you trying to tell me it's ok to touch someone inappropriately without their consent? He chose to do that to 5 girls, 4 of which was his sisters, even on occasions while they slept. Disgusting. And disgusting people are defending him.
This is not about people attacking the Duggar family because of their religious and conservative views. People are outraged because Josh Duggar molested 5 girls. I don't give a crap if his victims "forgave" him, I know sure as hell they never forgot about that. That psychologically screws you up, and praying to God does not erase the psychological wound. Their forgiveness does NOT justify his actions. And their parents didn't seek out the right repercussions for what he did. Josh had to go build a house for 4 months while being mentored by a church elder??? What????? Well shit, that'll teach him! Let's not forget the policeman that gave him a "stern talking to" has been convicted of child porn and is serving 50+ years in prison.
How? Can? People? Defend? This? BS? It really makes me doubt that his victims received proper counseling. And that is so heartbreaking. Don't even get me started on his girlfriend (now wife) still agreeing to date him after finding out what he did. I would be out of Arkansas faster than him saying "green bean casserole."

TL;DW: Do not defend or support Josh Duggar or his parents, obviously.

There's the tattoo! It didn't hurt at all really.

I went to the dentist the other day and due to my acid reflux, I have my FIRST cavities. 4, all on my front teeth. I can't even afford to fill them all at once, but I'm hoping I can do 2 of them. That's on May 5th. I'm so upset and scared lol.

I got the new Sims 4 expansion pack. It's cool. I'm bored though, god. I officially got tickets to the fall out boy concert in july. wooooo!

And ohhh my,I finally found some flawless foundation. It's that Fit Me matte & poreless.

B and I are getting our friendship tattoos sometime next month. We agreed on the pisces constellation on our upper rib. But now I'm self conscious (also, i've been spelling that like conscience forever, ugh) of getting the tattoo done, not having the tattoo in general. It's the fact that a stranger is going to be all up on my stomach area. It makes all my dieting issues come back, because I want my stomach to be thin. Now I'm probably going to start doing my old shenanigans for this.

I SWEAR I've updated since November??? At least I have in my paper journal.

Trigger warning...
Like, things aren't really different, yet they kind of are, but mentally and emotionally. I think I'm generally happier now and more positive. More close to how I use to feel prior to 2014. In December I had this huge breakdown, and that's usually what it takes for me to snap back to normal. But this was a mega meltdown, like I didn't even know how to go on. So I think due to it's magnitude, I'm better for the long run now. I've been diagnosed with depression since 2011. 2011 is very comparable to 2014 with the amount of shit I had to go through emotionally. But the self-harm wasn't as bad as 2011, except during said December breakdown. With that said, I'm really scared that something is going to knock me off balance and make me spiral down again. I've been feeling good for a month now. I do NOT want to feel bad again. I think the fact that 2014 is over is really helpful too. I have such hope for this year. On New Years I took a shot, so things started off nicely lol. New Year's was a really nice time.

Billy still initiates conversations with me, the past two times in a row. It's really 'wtf'. I think he does it to brag? Because clearly it's not to get together. The first time he was talking about how he saw me and he was driving some kind of specific car, but I know not one shit about cars so good try at making me envious. The second time he was talking about how he was going to move away and that he's never felt more right about anything in his entire life. Subtle jab at me, I feel like. Because I wasn't the "rightest" decision he made. But that's ok. I played it cool and kept my words short.

OH. Fucking shit sick, ok, so last month someone vandalized our car and broke out the back window completely. Such bullshit. It's still not fixed because my mom can't afford to do it. So we've got this opaque plastic crap in place of a window. I can't see through it, that's dangerous, therefore I cannot practice driving. Are you kidding me? Will I ever get this license??? Yes I will. But I'm impatient and I want to go forth with me life. I really need to get a job too. That stresses me out because I really need to take that step. Now. Maybe it's procrastination, but I want to have my license before a job. It eats away at me. But it's only 14 days into the year.
I also want my license before I date again. I'm going to give okcupid a try, since S met her boyfriend on there and he's not a total insane creep that you would except to find on dating websites. So that's hopeful. I really hope I luck out. I really don't expect to find my soulmate the first try, but someone at least long-term would be cool. Speaking of soulmates, B got engaged to her bf of a few months and I'm really confused (not really) but still...

Ugh, I get nervous saying everyone's names on here, in case someone found this blog. I'm more secretive than I use to be though. Maybe I should just do first initials. I don't really talk shit though. Everyone talks shit.
Lol, I went back and did that to my friend's names, but they're still in other posts. Whatev.

Oh, and I took this semester off college. Best decision. lol. I have no clue what I'm doing.