Endless hell.

I smoked my first pack of cigarettes this past week. I want some more, but I have to sneak to get them. I'm just depressed  as hell today. WHAT ELSE IS NEW.
I'm trying to be optimistic about things.

Tomorrow I'm going to fast/detox/whatever. I'm bloated and I was to lose some pounds. I'm going to get an infusing water bottle, hopefully, but I'm definitely getting some lemons and cucumbers. Basically that's all I'm going to consume for a few days. Right now I'm eating a jalapeno double from mcdonald's, lol. So long, food.

I'm fed up with fucking everything. I kind of want to quit talking to everyone for a while. I'm tired of being annoying.

I got the drunkest I have ever been the other night and paid for it severely the next day. But I lost 3 lbs because of it so whatever. I haven't weighed this little since 2012.
I also bought my first pack of cigarettes today. I feel destructive, and I want to be destructive to myself. I don't want to keep cutting. I'm really stressed out with life and school. I have psychology homework due since Monday, and then have another due tomorrow and I need to work on it all. Then I have this huge essay for english due this month and I have to do perfect on it because I didn't turn in my last essay because I had a breakdown. So basically, next semester I'm taking a break.

I got my driving permit last week. Fucking finally. I can get my license this December.

OKAY OKAY OKOKOK

SO.

I managed to get into a friend of a friend's Origin to download the Sims 2 Ultimate collection. THIS IS A BIG DEAL. I HAVE WAITED FOREVER FOR THIS MOMENT. It's installing right now. My 11 year old self is SCREAMING. I've never had everything before. I've only ever had a few expansions and one stuff pack for Sims 2. I'm installing it on my old vista computer, rather than this laptop. My vista has a good graphic card and runs Sims 2 perfectly, but I don't know how well it will be with all of these expansions. I'm hoping for the best. It's an old computer. This laptop runs my Sims 2 expansions fine, except it has a bad graphic card that makes the screen flicker. I'd put up with it though if I have to use this one instead.

Man oh man am I excited.

I wish I knew how to put up a better layout. I use to be good at that stuff, but now I actually kind of don't care.
I'm glad it's October. It's definitely fall outside. There's a lot of stuff I like to do in the fall, but I hardly get to. Like the fall festival, haunted houses, carving pumpkins, etc. It's kind of sad to be single right now. I want someone to do couple's stuff with. It's whatever. On Halloween I was really wanting to drink, but my friend made plans to go with this random kid to the club. I don't have anyone to get drinks from. I wish things were okay with Billy and I. I want normalcy back. This weekend I'm supposed to see my other friend. I won't believe that until it happens. She's basically ignored me for 3 months because she got a new boyfriend.

I was also thinking about seeing a therapist again and getting anxiety medicine. The only thing that has ever worked for me is Ativan.

I have this big bullshit college paper that I need to be writing right now. I dread it all.

Crazy ex knows my password to multiple accounts, so I had to change this one around from ffawnn to fawwns.

Although nothing has really changed, I atleast feel different. I feel better. I hope it lasts long. Classes started and I'm trying to do really well this semester. I had a mini-crisis concerning what exactly I'm doing with my life. I've been thinking about studying to become a lab technician. It's a 2 year deal. I would need to talk to my guidance counselors though. I'm still considering it. It's not really a degree though, and I want a degree. I don't know what I should major in, or what's the most useful... I'm all around confused. I love history, but where is a history major going to get me?

I've also been worried about Billy. I think he has some deep rooted issues. I don't know how to get through to him.

Lastly, my fucking teeth look like shit. Omfg. I'm not a smoker, but they had gotten so yellow and I cannot get rid of it. I'm going to try baking soda. And my gums are bad, as usual, but I'm working on it. My acid reflux is wrecking havoc on my mouth. I know I need to go to the dentist, but I'm so ashamed. I'm trying to make teeth look presentable first.

OH. SIMS 4 COMES OUT ON TUESDAY. YUS.

This summer has sucked. There's not much to update on, because I haven't done much. I did put in a job application at the local animal hospital, and I even did an interview. My friend also put in a good word for me. But I haven't heard anything, and that was all a month ago.
I've hung out with Billy twice. He was here a few days ago and bought me some vodka and wine. So that's been a fun thing to do. I've never been drunk prior, and I had like 4 shots in an hour in a half (spaced out because I don't know what I can handle) and I'm still really uncertain what I felt. I know I was altered, but not really drunk. I guess tipsy. I could still type fine. Last night I had a glass of wine and I was mehhh. Each time I end up falling asleep though. I bought a hookah pen yesterday, too.

Idk. This past month 1/2 has been really hard. There's a lot going on with the people in my circle. I hope things get better soon. The positive side is things are better than they were a month ago, in different ways, but things are also a little worse in different ways too. It also appears I'm the only one who is going back to college for a second term. If I could just get a job and pay off my fines to get my license, I'd be set. I want to live the life I aspire to have.

It's not fair that I'm the one who has to hurt from this, after I tried so hard to prevent it from happening. I feel so bad, I feel so guilty. I couldn't make you feel like I was worth keeping. I should have kissed you more, and I should have called you sweet things more. I regret not doing that enough. Yet, I also feel so deceived and betrayed, we both should have moved on from our pasts to a new experience together. The past is suppose to be in the past. And I don't understand why you made that decision, I don't think I ever can because it is ridiculous to keep holding yourself back from new things.
It's been 6 days and I don't know why I can't stop feeling this way. It's such misery, and it's stupid. I would have done so much more to keep you, knowing that this was our outcome.

He broke up with me a few days ago because he still wants his ex. OKAY. Go get cheated on and used again. Go right ahead. The fact that I know that is coming, and that's going to taste sweet, does not mean that I don't feel destroyed. I feel betrayed. I feel deceived. I was a rebound.
So I added Billy back and we are going to hang out at some unprecedented time soon. I'm in such a mess. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm literally betrayed. How dare he do this when we confided into each other over all the CRAP our ex (not billy) did to us. Fucking stupid. So fucking stupid, you weak, insecure child. You're suppose to be moving on. You can't keep your head up someone's ass for so long and be treated like dirt.

We've been dating for nearly a month now. Woooo.

I'm on the quest to lose weight again. I'm going to start doing blogilate's videos again and get some healthy food. I try to cut out meat when dieting. I've already weaned myself off mountain dew for a while now. I'd be happy losing 10 pounds, but ULTIMATELY I wish to lose 25.
I don't know exactly which food I'll be getting until I'm actually at the store. But I know I need to get better snacks for myself. That's always my issue. I'm going to get some multigrain pita chips and some artichoke dip, aw yiss. I'd try hummus but, uh, it's been recalled right now. I'm going to find some dried fruit too. OH AND BROCCOLI. I like to keep a list of what to eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner, but I haven't even done that yet. I kind of burned myself out of yogurt and peanut butter crackers, so those are off the list already. I'll probably just do varieties of vegetables for dinner, varieties of fruit for lunch, and breakfast can be special k cereal.

I'm out of college for summer right now. It's been so boring. I'll probably get a job next month to have something to do and to have moneyyyy. I also need to pay off my fines so I can drive. I fucking swear. I was hoping my financial aid check would come so I could pay off quicker, but they only gave me 198 and they won't give me any answers as to why it's almost $800 off of what I should have got.

My Dr Martens fit perfectly, thank goodness! Nothing new has happened. I've been trying to lose 10 lbs. It's such a struggle. This use to be so easy for me. I just can't seem to do it. I have slipped up by eating chocolate and drinking mtn dew. Two no-no's. Today will be better. My classes end in one month, and I might get a job at a veterinary clinic. My friend works there, it's 7.50 an hour. You basically walk dogs, bathe them, cleaannn. Animals > people. Keep the humans away from me.
I've also been talking to a boy. He's younger than me O_O but only be a few months, he's still a senior in highschool. I don't know where it's going to go.

I bought L'Oreal's Magic Beautifier BB Cream the other day. It's pretty nice. It did take out red on my face, like foundation. Mainly I'm wanting a primer, and one that I can find in a drug store. So I heard it was a favorite. I used it a few minutes before I put on my foundation and... I don't know. It felt gross putting the foundation on top of it. My skin looked good though. I didn't really notice my makeup looking cakey. I'll pay better attention the next time I try it out.

Anywaysss. I ordered my first pair of Dr. Martens!!!! I got the 1460 smooth black. I'm excited, yet nervous. I had to gamble at the size. There is no where local that I could try them on at, so my only option was to buy online. Usually, I'm an 8 1/2 and they don't have half sizes! I ended up getting an 8, and I just hope it fits! I didn't get the 9 because I didn't want them to look too big. Plus, they stretch, so I'm thinking it can stretch to an 8 1/2. Hopefully they'll be here soon. Next week?

Lastly, I bought the new Jergen's bb cream body lotion. It's makes my skin veryyy smooth. I can't really tell if it's evening out the skintone though.

My computer might have a virus. Ugh. So that means my stuff will probably be erased.So I went back to Sims 2 and made all the kids into teens to see what they'd look like

I didn't get to change their clothes. Elise, Hudson, Lucius, Tauriel. 
Hudson was Heidi and Rylan's, and Lucius was Harkon and Leda's second baby.
-Tauriel grew up to look exactly like her mom,
and Elise is the perfect balance between her mom and dad.
-Lucius looks like he should be in fucking Tokio Hotel, he is such a beautiful woman I'm so confused.
-Hudson is like... wtf are you even related to us?? His mom had default skin, which looked good on her, but he  inherited it and he just doesn't look right.

They were born in this order: Elise, Tauriel, Hudson, Lucius.

Anywho, I hope my computer gets better. I was chosen to beta test Elder Scrolls Online and my browser is so fucked I can't even sign in to download. No other browser works on my computer, besides Maxthon and IE.

I started spring classes today and they are pretty decent. Billy and I broke up a week ago, but I'm trying to mend things and I think we're slowing recovering. I'd hope by Valentine's Day... what also sucks is out 1 year is February 21st. Like, come on.

I also made all of these Sims 3 houses + videos. I SUCK at building on Sims 3 for some reason, but I was kind of proud of these, especially the beach house. Plus, I learned how to use the different camera angles. FANCY.

(pause the music below, if you want to listen.)

I'm still playing the same Sim family.

So after Mortimer died, lol, my sim got with Gerard Way. No matter how, I ALWAYS end up having Gerard in my Sims 2 games. I had to make this one myself because the really nice Gerard sim is no longer available :\ 

This is Wendell and his family. Wendell was the first born with Mortimer and my sim.

Second born with Mortimer is Rylan, and his wife is expecting. Everyone's been having girls, so maybe it will be a boy.

Lastly is my vampires. I love them. They live in that huge goth mansion in Downtown and I pimped it out so much. Leda is the only daughter of Gerard and my sim. I don't know if I'll make Tauriel a vampire when she's older. Leda and Harkon will have one more baby.